Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Disclaimer: It's been a rough month... Getting old is no fun... and other things can make it worse.... but I've attempted to throw something out there that is hopefully a little humorous and also educational... we'll see what happens... here goes...

So I am often told that I have an immense wisdom, and that it would incredibly beneficial if I shared my great knowledge with others. Ok, so nobody has actually ever said that, but I'm sure atleast one or two of you have thought it at one time or another. Well, maybe not... but anyway, on with my point.
I shall now give you some perfect phrases to use anytime you're at a total loss for words. Concentrate!! There are important subtle differences.

1. "Not today, Mr. Sunshine" - well this one is just fun to say... kinda like "oh no you di int"
2. "Pretty much" - a great answer for any rhetorical question like "how are you doing?" or "Did you have a good day?" - in other words, it means I have deeply pondered your question and come to the conclusion that you don't want a real answer and/or I'm just too tired to give you a real answer
3. Only on Tuesdays - in reference to something you would never actually do - for instance wearing pink heels and and a green dress (and being male) - not a good idea
4. Good Morning - this one is intended specifically to be used as a greeting. My motto on greetings - pick one and stick with it!! make it yours!! become one with your standard greeting... oh, and one last thing don't use "Good Morning".. that one is mine!! (I"m a little greedy, I know) 5. Happy New Year -a good alternate greeting if you are in a transitional period with your everyday greeting of sorts... best results if used in June or July.
6. crackrock - I'm sorry... maybe this is just reverting back to my immature college days... it's just fun to say (sometimes..let me clarify... ONLY sometimes, use this one sparingly)
7. fried twinkies - if you want to make some hungry and sick to their stomach at the same time... these two simple words will work every time

Well, that's all I got for now... absorb it, and let it sink in.... I'll be back next month.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Cooking Tips, Part II:

I'm sorry for rehashing an old topic, but it seems some of you might still not be catching on (and there are a few new people that might could use a refresher).
Please read on. These are some good tips, so read carefully! It's a little long, but well worth your time :)

To start off, I want to clarify the intent of this post. This is specifically for the BENIFIT of the reader. I mean no ill-will towards anyone. I'm just trying to make your lives more managable and give you more free time (which I know we all need).
As I mentioned in my last post, there are many people who waste lots of time blogging. But I have found yet another thing that people tend to waste WAY too much time doing... Cooking!!
Now, first of all, I want to state that I enjoy a yummy baked good just as much as anyone else. And if by spending a few hours cooking a meal will impress a woman, I am more than willing to do it!! Not that I've ever been given that opportunity... apparently, most of the women that know me have also learned a little bit about my cooking abilities (but just in case you were wondering... the offer still stands)

But I've got a little off topic. My point being I think some people have become addicted to spending too much time in the kitchen.

So, here are some tips for the Kitchen Addict:

Tip #1) You only need one pot in your kitchen. If you are using multiple pots while cooking, you're spending way too much time doing it, and you're just going to end up having to clean more pots when you're done (even more wasted time) ...
Some have asked me: "How is this possible?"... here's a great example... I call it "10 minute - 1 pot spaghetti"
Step 1) Boil spaghetti in a pot (pot #1)
Step 2) When noodles are cooked, drain water out of the pot
Step 3) This one is important! Pour store bought sauce from a jar onto your plate (no heating necessary)
Step 4) Pour hot noodles on top of sauce, and mix.. voila!! no messy pots of sauce, and you didn't even have to waste 30 seconds nuking the sauce.
Step 5) Mix sauce an noodles and enjoy, while watching an episode of Seinfeld (or Seventh Heaven)

Tip #2) The microwave was invented for a reason; To make our lives much easier. Use this grand invention to the fullest. It's my firm belief that anything you can make in the oven, you can make in the microwave in a tenth of the time. It might be more processed, and slightly lack flavor, but that's why you always have a bottle of ketchup on hand (flavor in a pinch at any time).
Tip #3) I like to call this one the "5 minute rule". If you're in the kitchen for more than 5 minutes at a time (more than once a month), you are probably not using your kitchen time as efficiently as you should.
Here is a great example of using kitchen time efficiently.
Step 1) Take Hot Pocket (or Lean Pocket) out of freezer. Place Pocket of choice onto plate, and put in microwave for 2 minutes, 45 seconds.
Step 2) Get out two slices of bread, peanut butter, and GRAPE jelly. Spread peanut butter on one slice of bread, squirt jelly onto other slice of bread, and spread (special note: buying jelly in a squirt bottle allows you to not taint the jar of jelly with peanut butter, nor have to use a second knife). Put 2 slices of bread together, and stick in zip lock bag. Place in plastic grocery bag (with 2 bananas, and small bag of cheetos). Stick this bag into refrigerator.
And grab a can of coke.
Step 3) About this time, the microwave will beep. What grand timing you have!! Your pocket of choice is now ready to eat!

In less than 5 minutes, you have prepared not only dinner, but ALSO lunch for the following day.. Could life get any better! Wow!!

Ok, I believe it might take many of you a while to soak all that in, so that's all for today, folks.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

So I haven't blogged since January 16.

You might ask how I know this. Well, it's simple... about 2 people a day ask me "Why haven't you blogged?! You haven't blogged in almost two months!"

My answer to this question is usually something along these lines: "Really? I had no idea (shock and amazement, as if I haven't heard it before). Well, I'll try and get around to that 'tommorrow'".

Well folks.... Tomorrow has arrived!!! Welcome to my first post in two months... and what am I blogging about? I'm blogging about my inability to have thoughts interesting enough to blog about.
How pathetic is that!

So now for a small dose of substance in this blog (because who knows, it might be the last one I do for months):

I present to you... things I have learned since I last blogged:

1) Girls are completely impossible to understand. I do understand one thing about them.... that I'll never understand them! Ok, so I knew this two months ago, and it's nothing new, but as I edge ever so much closer to my 30th birthday, I keep thinking I will all of the sudden gain immense wisdom 0n this topic, but it ain't happened yet.

2) (and this one comes with much emphasis!) 29 is not the same as 30. I repeat 29 is not the same as 30, and I AM NOT 30!!! I AM 29!!!

(ok, now a quick pause to calm down.. deep breathes, deep breathes)... now on with the lessons.

3) Most cars come with two rear blinkers (a left and a right). Statistics have proved that most cars have working rear blinkers over 99.5% of time. Yet, almost everyone I've ever driven behind has no idea how to use them. I would think that their blinkers must be broken, because who in the world could possibly be so clueless and absent minded to not be able to perform a simple function like turning on a blinker before making a turn (That they knew they were going to make miles ahead of time!!). But this is most often not the case (as statistics have proven).
The moral of the story... If you're blinker illiterate, learn to use your blinker, or buy bus pass!!

4) I've learned over the past 45 minutes that it takes me 45 minutes to post a new blog entry. Like many of you, I rarely have 45 minutes to spare, hence why I have not posted in 2 months.
See how it all comes back full circle?

And so ends blog time.... Please look for more posts in the near future (or the distant future)... whenever I get around to posting again, basically.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I think Marathon running (and the training involved) is an amazing experience, and everyone should do it!!
And so now to inspire you all, a very short poem (I'm new at this so please be gentle with your comments)...

Whether your name rhymes with "Prarie", and you've run many a mile,
Or your name rhymes with "Trott", and you haven't been running in quite a LONG while.

Whether short, average or tall,
It's the time of your life... joyous time for all!

All should attempt the glorious feat,
For it's fun for all who try it, even in the Houston heat.

Ok, I admit at times it might rough,
But I know you can do it! You're strong! Your tough!

You might say that it can't be done,
But have you given it a try? It's actually quite Fun!

Just think of all those calories you'll burn!
And did I mention it's actually "fun"? This you will certainly learn!

Sure, after twenty miles your body might ache,
but look at the upside, now you can eat TWO slices of CHOCOLATE cake!

It is getting quite late, and to my bed I'll soon retire.
But I hope this little poem, to many it shall inspire!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Squirrel Safety 101 (Beware the falling squirrel). This is a real "safety incident" that was turned in at a work place. Please concentrate on the suggestions at the end of the article. This is the IMPORTANT (slightly humorous section).

Six employees were eating lunch on the Bistro deck when a gray squirrel fell out of the overhead trees and landed approximately three feet from one of the employees. The employees were so startled that one of the employees bumped her knee on the table and received a small noticeable bruise (she did not consider it an injury, however). The other employees were noticeably startled. Several of the employees had previously noticed the activity of several squirrels in the trees before the incident, but had taken no action. One of the employees happened to look up a fraction of a second before the incident and saw the squirrel falling. The fall was estimated to be about 15-20 feet based on the height of the overhead tree branches. The squirrel was able to turn itself during the fall and was able to instinctively right itself and spread it's legs to slow the fall. However it still hit the wooden deck area with considerable force in a belly-flow position. Visibly shaken, the squirrel unsteadily scampered into the underbrush next to the deck, where it paused to regain composure. It was noticed about 10 minutes later still moving around the deck area quite shaken up. The spot where the squirrel landed was about six inches behind an unoccupied chair that was pushed in to the table. Had an employee been sitting in the chair they would have been pushed back from the table and hit directly on the head by the falling squirrel. The consequences of a direct hit could have been very serious for both the squirrel and the employee. While this incident could be considered an act of nature, it points out that employees need to be alert to their surroundings at all times and be prepared to respond quickly to unexpected risks. The fact that several employees had noticed unusual squirrel activity should have alerted them to an increased risk. Possible future considerations to avoid risks would include:

Post signage on the deck alerting employees of the danger of falling squirrels.

Put umbrellas over the tables. This would also reduce the risk of ultraviolet sun related injuries.

Provide hard hats to all outdoor diners.

Begin an effort to trap and relocate the growing squirrel population.

Develop a training program for the campus squirrel population highlighting the risk of inter-tree jumping dangers.

In the future this group of employees may move their dining to the arbor-covered tables, however this action could bring different serious risks during the berry season when increased bird activity has been regularly noticed in the arbors.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

More Lessons Learned (12/30):

1) Potatoes come in many different forms (sometimes they aren't even called potatoes), and with the addition of a little maple syrup and a touch of brown sugar... WOW, yummy in the tummy for sure!!

2) Stealing is wrong! Stealing from others can be detrimental to a friendship.
But I've also learned, that if done right, theft can create great humor... oh, good times had by all!

3) Insects are no fun, and can be quite a nuissance, but when they are enlarged and metalasized, and turned into napkin holders, they are quite festive. (Additional Note: you can fit about six of them in your pockets without being noticed..refer to #2: Stealing is still wrong!)

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Through out life, we learn many lessons. Some of which we put to good use, and some we continue to screw up over and over and over again.
Here is a summary of some of the lessons I learned (or relearned) last night:

1) People "laughing WITH you" is great! People "laughing AT you" is miserable and depressing! The unfortunate thing is there is a very thin line between these two extremes. This line can tend to be very fuzzy at times, and often is a matter of opinion of the parties involved.

2) Humor isn't always funny, and at times, it can actually be inappropriate (so I've been told). Pick your moments. Know when to say when! A good humorous moment could have the potential to be retold for weeks of humorous moments.
A mis-timed humorous moment will undoubtedly be retold for years (at the expense of the original teller)... fun for many, but not for the originator.

3) Big important tip!! Listen up!!! All good anecdotes (stories of past experiences) should be told in their entirety, not leaving out any important details. In these cases, "jumping straight to the interesting part" can really set you up for lots of possible future ridicule.
You might now ask... "Tim, do you have experience with this?"... YES, I most certainly do. More than you can imagine!

Ok, and this is the point in my blog where I realize I've just spent 30 minutes typing this, and I need to now take a blog break for atleast a few hours (possibly days).... to fight away the possible tendencies of addiction.... I vow to never be blog addict!

More to come later.

Have a great day, Everyone!!!